Today one Seattle police officer nearly ruined Thanksgiving after he instinctively turned off his body camera and reached for his sidearm while approaching the turkey’s dark meat.
“Hey, pal, wings where I can see them–I said wings where I can fucking see them!” shouted Officer Hal Gulderson, pointing his service weapon at a carved platter of turkey meat. “Oh, thank God, it’s just the turkey. That was going to be a lot of paperwork if I drew my weapon on another Amazon Prime driver. Good thing I turned off my body cam because what a real kick in the ol’ giblets if the boys back at the station saw that one.”
Hal’s brother-in-law Kevin, however, was reportedly sick of his violent theatrics every holiday season.
“I’m tired of inviting Hal to Thanksgiving. Any time we put any more seasoning than salt and pepper in the mashed potatoes he starts convulsing on the ground claiming someone laced it with fentanyl,” said Kevin, carefully disguising the rosemary he put in the spuds. “He even wears his stretchy gun holster to dinner so he can have three servings of pie and still stay strapped. I know he’s got to be worried about all the pardoned birds Biden is putting back on the streets, but I got news for you Hal: the recidivism rate amongst turkeys ain’t high!”
At press time, Officer Gunderson was reportedly suspended from Thanksgiving with leftovers and full pie privileges.
