One local man was left confused today after his belligerent quest to hurt you and everyone you love was being met with such political and divisive rhetoric.
“Why are you being so divisive? All I said was that your marriage to your husband is a mortal sin, your trans daughter is mentally ill, all her immigrant friends should be deported, and that I’m glad Trump is finally gonna do something about it,” said Craig Murray, puzzled why his message of love and unity was being received so poorly. “It’s really unfair to me that I can’t say anything that I want without any consequences, isn’t that what the First Amendment is all about? I wasn’t really going to call ICE, but now you’ve forced me to with your intolerance—congratulations on ruining Thanksgiving!”
Conservative columnist Peter Henderson shared his concerns that similar divisive rhetoric was spreading faster than holiday cheer this winter.
“There’s a new pandemic infecting our homes this holiday season, and it’s spread by the so-called ‘tolerant left’ spitting in the face of traditional values and dividing households into the ‘wokes’ and ‘woke-nots’,” said Henderson, shedding a tear onto his keyboard. “These innocent men are being ostracized by their families, and for what crime? Supporting a President who wants to give women the correct amount of bodily autonomy? Standing up to the tyranny of the 0.5% percent of high school athletes that are transgender? I mean there’s the real ‘1%’ you should be worried about folks, that’s who’s really dividing the nation.”
At press time, the nation’s uncles were gearing up to scream at minimum wage Target workers for a “Happy Holidays” banner they had no control over while standing directly in front of fifteen aisles of Christmas decorations.
