Today Washington residents say they’re absolutely stoked for the state’s final ski season before the entirety of humanity inevitably spirals into the fiery depths of climate apocalypse hell that is absolutely coming for us all sooner than later.
“So much fresh pow pow out there this opening weekend–can’t wait to take it all in before we’re all as inevitably fried alive by the sun as RFK Jr.’s face next year,” said Becca Winters as she suited up for opening day at Crystal Mountain. “It’s sad that this is the last ski season we’ll ever have, but it’s also what makes it so special! I can’t wait to tell my kids that I’m gonna regret bringing into this cruel world this is just one of the state’s many White Sands National Parks.”
Other skiers said they were also excited to make the most of this last ski season before the Trump administration so permanently derails all international attempts at slowing the accelerating pace of climate change next year that snow will surely be a myth within a decade.
“Because it’s my last chance, I’m finally gonna ski down one of those Black Diamond routes like I’ve always wanted to,” said Skyler Johnson. “I used to be too scared but it’s nothing now compared to what goes on in my head every time I think about the way Donald Trump is about to set the world aflame–thanks for the extra nudge off the top of the summit, MAGA!”
At press time, ski resorts assured season pass holders that they could still enjoy coming back next year to bask in the resort’s stunning new oceanfront property.
