Today Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intention to finally ban fluoride in the nation’s water supply and replace it with a lead supplement.
“Think about it: If you want kids to have strong teeth, why would you put something soft like fluoride in the water instead of something strong like lead?” said RFK Jr., emerging naked from a pool of glowing ooze. “You wouldn’t use fluoride when building a house, that’d be silly—because then the house would get autism. No, you’d use a strong heavy metal, like lead. I’ve been taking daily colloidal lead supplements for 30 years and look at me! I can deadlift a deer carcass I found on the side of the road into my car and communicate telepathically with the spirits of sailors that inhabit seabirds.”
Supporters of RFK Jr.’s health policies were reportedly on-board to Make America Leaded Again (MALA).
“When I was growing up, lead was in everything—my family used to sit down round the dinner table and I’d enjoy a nice glass of raw milk out of my favorite lead-lined cup,” said Mike Grant, putting on his dark gray MALA hat. “Then we stopped putting lead in the paint and now everything’s falling apart and my kids won’t talk to me—coincidence? I think not. Thankfully, we’ll soon have a president that will listen to freethinking experts in crypto anatomy and psychedelic gastroenterology that are featured on the Joe Rogan podcast.”
At press time, RJK Jr. was already being sued for using Led Zepplin music to promote this weekend’s Get Out the Lead Again Paint Chip Food Festival.
“Robert F. Kennedy Jr.” Photo by Gage Skidmore (CC BY-SA 2.0)
