Following the approval of SODA (Stay Out of Drug Area) and SOAP (Stay Out of Area Prostitution) zones, this week the Seattle City Council decided to also approve a giant impenetrable dome over Downtown to create the city’s first “NOPE Zone.”
“The only way to guarantee that Downtown Seattle is crime-free is to ensure that nobody can get in or out, and that’s why this state-of-the-art dome over the ‘NOPE Zone’ will completely seal off the area,” said City Council President Sara Nelson. “The entire area will be preserved in pristine condition to reclaim the city for everyone, except for ‘you people.’ For the sake of our community, parts of the city must simply be off-limits to its more undesirable elements. But good news! The riff raff outside the NOPE Zone are free to drive by and witness everything this great city has to offer, just as long as you all keep your grubby little hands to yourselves and don’t touch anything.”
The council agreed to make a special concession that would allow access only to employees from Amazon, Google, and other high-profile companies with a special NOPE zone keycard.
“We absolutely love the NOPE Zone, we just have a couple notes— spit-balling here, but what if it didn’t have doors and we waited until our employees returned to office and trapped them in here forever?” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, drawing a big spider web on the dome prototype. “It’s just that we’re instituting a five-day return to office policy next year, and it’d really simplify things for us if they could never leave. And of course in the event of layoffs, we’d purge the undesirables out of some sort of exhaust tube into the disgusting no-man’s land outside the zone.”
After community members showed up in droves to protest the NOPE Zone, Nelson quickly called a vote to make the area around the Seattle City Council Chamber a “SHUTUP zone” where any dissent was illegal.
