In an effort to cut down on costs for everyone in a mutually beneficial way, today Boeing announced it would provide priority boarding for passengers willing to hold their plane together with their bare hands.
“We’re happy to offer select passengers the chance to settle in their seats ahead of everyone else, as long as they promise to use their body as a human door plug when needed,” said Boeing representative Mike Levine. “Additional responsibilities for passengers who accept this promotion may include blowing on the jet engine fan to keep it spinning, chewing Dubble Bubble gum to slap over any holes, and flapping their arms like a pterodactyl should the wings of the plane fall off. Passengers also agree to no mid-air flight changes to a SpaceX vessel.”
The priority boarding deal has been in a hit with regular Horizon and Spirit airlines customers who already have years of experience holding planes together.
“It’s so cool I now get the privilege of priority boarding before spending an entire flight looking for whatever’s about to come loose next,” said Mikey Lockhart while switching between holding overhead luggage compartment doors and the windows closed. “Now this is luxury!”
At press time, the company noted it will not be held responsible for any lost or damaged limbs.
