With less than three months until the end of his third and final term as governor, sources confirm Jay Inslee is finally expected to seize absolute control of the state of Washington using the emergency protocols established to stem the tide of the COVID-19 pandemic.
“‘King Inslee the Great’ has a nice ring to it,” mused the Governor during his crown fitting earlier today. “Everybody probably forgot about my iron reign since all the state mandates ended two years ago, but I was just biding my time, waiting to spring my Machiavellian trap. Also getting this beautiful Huskies-purple cape custom-made—isn’t it divine?”
Inslee’s opponents appear more excited to be right about something for once than they are fearful of what his coronation will mean for our state.
“I fucking knew it,” said State Rep. Matt Shea, a Republican who has long criticized the life-saving measures of the “Stay Home, Stay Healthy” orders in manifestos calling for armed child soldiers to rise up in Eastern Washington. “As a Christian, I am no stranger to waiting for future events that never materialize, and honestly, I’m feeling a little like the dog who caught the car with this one.”
As the thousand-year dynasty of the impossibly wise and handsome King Inslee line commences, The Needling is reminding His Highness that we endorsed his 2020 presidential run and wish him glory in the coming crusades to liberate the people of Idaho.
