After years of wondering whether the city’s Waterfront Seattle planners were ever going to prioritize any mode of transportation other than cars, today they confirmed they’re finally almost ready to open a new bike path as soon as they finish sharpening its low, razor-sharp fencing.
“Oh, come on, we were always going to make the Waterfront a place where cyclists could feel safe and welcome–we saved the best project for last!” said Waterfront Seattle spokesman Hal Rickman while rolling his eyes for some reason as sparks flew nearby. “When we said these were going to be protected bike lanes, we meant it because, trust me, these glistening steel fence edge blades cut through tendons like butter. They also unfortunately cut through tires the same way if you accidentally bump into them, but it’s a small price to pay for a dedicated bike path—unless you do also cut a tendon at the same time. That would be unfortunate.”
Rickman said the new bike lanes will be fun for the whole family on wheels, especially for children building core memories.
“Since the ever-improving Waterfront is bound to become more crowded over time, we do recommend the little ones wear, in addition to a helmet, at least a neck brace and ideally a padded suit from head to toe,” Rickman said. “We hope that when it opens, it’s a big hit that involves no lost limbs. And, if not, we can always quickly pave over it and make it into a much-needed 18th lane of car traffic on Alaskan Way.”
At press time, frequent Waterfront pedestrians were happy to learn of the strong possibility of another Alaskan Way lane being added to the stroad because trying to use its crosswalks doesn’t feel enough like being in Squid Game yet.
