- Glacier –Just a 30-minute drive from Mount Baker Ski Area and the last stop on the Mount Baker Highway, this beautiful little town has gorgeous views, incredible hiking, and is the perfect place to begin your new life after liking a 2021 photo of Melissa in a thong bikini on spring break. With only one gas station and few restaurants, the chances that you’ll run into Melissa or one of her friends and be forced to commit seppuku is relatively low. If you’re looking to live somewhere with beautiful scenery and friendly folks where you can cower in anonymity for at least a decade while you hope Melissa forgot what you did (she didn’t) Glacier is the town for you!
- Poulsbo—Enjoy kayaking? Looking for a fresh start after your bumbling slimy sausage fingers liked a sexy photo of a work acquaintance you’ve only spoken to three times? Look no further than Poulsbo, you lecherous little dunce. The town’s prominent gazebo will serve as a communal confessional as you shout your sin for all to hear, hoping to one day be absolved of your lustful blunder! At under two hours from Seattle, though, it’s a town probably best reserved for smaller faux-pas, like watching someone’s Instagram story when you don’t even follow them.
- Winthrop—Checking to see if a middle-school bully looks terrible now, but liked a three-year-old photo of their cat? Winthrop is the place for you. With plenty of interesting mining history, there’s enough to distract you from the fact you got a message back asking why you’re liking old photos. Over four hours from Seattle, this lovely little town is perfect to escape the shame you brought upon yourself and your family, you blustering buffoon.
- Ellensburg—Chiseled from antique blocks of pure depravity by Satan himself, this debaucherous sanatorium is a great option for re-location after liking a 2015 engagement photo of a college crush. Your shame can’t match the shame of everyone there living in a town associated with a notorious horse-sex ring – oh wait, that was Enumclaw. No, move to Enumclaw! If you already moved to Ellensburg, it’s okay – no one west of the Cascades knows the difference anyway.
- Port Townsend—With picnics at Chetzemoka Park and plenty of shoreline to wade into the ocean, Port Townsend is any internet-creep’s dream. With an average population age too old to understand it’s not cool when you unintentionally comment a fire emoji on your friend’s ex-girlfriend’s prom photos, Port Townsend is welcoming to all who have made similar mistakes. While stopping by to admire the nearby Point Wilson Lighthouse at sunset, you may even soon forget you once tried to cover your tracks by blocking, then unblocking, then blocking your ex-girlfriend after liking a pic from when you were together.
