In a major green win today, new Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol committed to making his 1,000-mile super-commute from Southern California to Seattle headquarters more sustainable by using his private jet’s engines to roast Starbucks’ coffee beans.
“I’m all about innovative climate solutions, and that’s why Starbucks now has a new roastery in the sky that’s offsetting a massive carbon footprint I make flying three days a week from Newport Beach to the PNW,” Niccol said. “We thought at first the engine’s 3,600-degree heat might burn the beans too much, but you can’t even tell the difference! Everyone’s gonna love it—I’ve tried it, and a cup of this dark exhaust roast gives you such a jolt of energy it’s somehow almost like literal jet fuel.”
Despite Niccol’s bold, environmentally friendly strategy, some are wondering if the unprecedented roasting technique will really be all that efficient long-term.
“I personally wonder how much our new CEO, fresh from Chipotle, really even understands the difference between coffee beans and other beans,” said one an anonymous source from inside the Starbucks organization. “Let’s just say I’ve asked him to not put black beans in the office coffee maker more than once already.”
After continuing to hear criticism from environmental activists about his corporate private jet commute even after offering his green coffee-roasting proposal, Niccol is reportedly researching other sustainability solutions as well including instead commuting a thousand miles by Vanessa Carlton piano.
