Suspicions triggered every time the public sees current photos of President Jimmy Carter were confirmed today when historians found an old portrait of the 100-year-old statesman in his attic looking hella snatched.
“Despite a Dorian Gray-like spell cast on this portrait that would have allowed it to age instead of President Carter for eternity if he only fully gave himself over to sin, the peanut farmer remained an incredibly devoted public servant, husband and father anyway—in other words, check out this snack, I’m gagged,” said presidential historian Lisa Madigan as she observed details of the portrait while fanning herself. “As you can see from these immaculate juicy lips and piercing blue eyes he is serving, President Carter also spent decades serving Habitat for Humanity. From his thick blonde hair to the twinkle in his eye, this hottie is giving lifelong mission to end homelessness and stop apartheid in Palestine.”
Asked why he accepted the spell if he didn’t plan to live selfishly, President Carter admitted he hasn’t lived a completely spotless life as a microscopic spot on his portrait’s left cheek shows.
“Yes, I pardoned the draft dodgers and established the Departments of Energy and Education, combated stagflation and negotiated the Iran hostage crisis, but I was also known to sneak an extra slice of peanut butter pie, and for that I am deeply sorry,” said the already mummified President Carter. “Other than that, I didn’t want to knowingly do anything wrong and hurt the poor picture—the portrait artist worked so hard on it.”
At press time, a fresh dimple had appeared on the portrait after President Carter agreed Emil Wakim crushed it on SNL this last weekend.
