Dozens of Mariners fans were reportedly injured today during a Starbucks-sponsored spin on the popular “Hot Dogs from Heaven” promo after a parachute malfunction caused piping hot Pumpkin Spice Lattes to rain down on unsuspecting fans.
“I don’t know how it all went so wrong—everyone loves Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and we even partnered with Boeing to engineer the tiny little parachutes. I’m just grateful that these unlucky fans were injured after beer sales ended and we didn’t have to issue any refunds,” said Mariners CEO John Stanton. “The good news is that if there’s anything that people in Seattle trust it’s the quality products produced by Boeing, Starbucks, and the Mariners, so I’m sure this won’t affect next year’s season ticket sales.”
The marketing ploy was reportedly the latest attempt to distract fans from the disastrous collapse of their playoff hopes and subsequent firing of Manager Scott Servais.
“You know, at first I was skeptical, but I gotta admit that I’m in so much searing pain that I haven’t thought about the Mariners blowing a 10-game division lead all day,” said Mariners fan Paul Daly, recovering at Harborview Medical Center. “Plus, my third-degree burns smell like a warm hug on a crisp Autumn day. A couple of players also came by to wish me well and autograph some baseballs, but they all kept missing the ball and ended up poking me in the eye with the pen. It’s the thought that counts, though.”
At press time, promotional problems continued after the four Salmon Run mascots reportedly jumped into the stands in a mad dash to return to their spawning grounds.
