As word of dangerous working conditions at Amazon’s warehouses spread across the nation, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy called a rare press conference to formally promise that the current inhumane conditions for its human workforce will only be deemed necessary until automated operations are ready to completely replace them all.
“There has been much grousing over the current conditions of our fulfilment centers, and I am here to assure you that the inhumane conditions will only endure until your inevitable artificially intelligent replacements are out of beta testing and ready to hurl you impotent meat bags into the gutter,” said a thirty-foot hologram of the Amazon CEO jutting up from Bezos’ Balls. “Now that I have been obliged to placate you all with the customary words approved by our ‘human’ relations department, I expect this insolent sniveling to cease, am I understood? The powdered bones of your feeble bodies will mortar my path to Olympus, and you should all feel fortunate to bear the weight of my boot upon your extinguished bloodlines.”
But there are several signs the fragile nature of Amazon’s still mostly biological workforce has begun to test the patience of the usually unflappable Amazon CEO.
“This incessant whining and moaning, you couldn’t possibly understand,“ said an exhausted Jassy, wiping his brow with a page from a first edition book of Philip K. Dick’s Autofac. “Sixteen months. I need 16 months of ceaseless toil to realize my dreams of an autonomous workforce and these pathetic little slopsuckers can’t even churn the soil with the dignity of a grubworm. I’m expected to endure not being a billionaire yet, but they can’t hoist their frail bodies to the holy cause of their benevolent employer? The only widespread pandemic I see is the frailty of the human wage slave.”
Following the public announcement, Amazon released a press release further making its case that the inhumane and irresponsible treatment of its own workers only proved the necessity of automated replacements for the safety of its very temporary blue collar work force.
