Local foraging researchers who spent weeks getting their hands dirty in the field released a report today confirming that—when it comes to determining which is which on forbidden invasive fruit-pickers’ hands—there actually is no telling where the blackberry juice begins and the blood ends.
“In nearly every case, blackberry pickers come home to loved ones asking them how much of the crimson juice covering their hands is blackberry juice and how much of it is blood, and they can never tell,” said lead researcher Julia Wicker as she picked a spider out of her hair. “Well, after weeks of research, neither can we. The truth is that they mingle as one: There is no joy without pain, and there is no blackberry juice without blood—well, that is, if you’re not an idiot who buys blackberries at the store.”
Some people are still keeping the hope alive that one day there will be a way to tell the difference between them for a wide range of reasons.
“Out, out, damned spot!” said berry picker Lana Jones as she furiously attempted to scrub the red stains off her hands. “I just wish I could pick and eat a bunch of free berries like a fairytale princess frolicking in the forest without looking like a murderer on the run afterward. Sometimes I want to stop and not do it again, but then temptation strikes and the cycle of violence to my hands begins again with no telling when the juicy bloodshed will end.”
At press time, idiots who blow entire paychecks on single cartons of fresh berries were still too stupid to even know what the report was talking about.
