To address worries that the reportedly extremely understaffed agency may not have the resources to crack down on prostitutes again the way City Councilmember Cathy Moore wants them to, today the Seattle Police Department assured the public that they will always somehow have the time to stop and frisk Aurora sex workers.
“Sure, it takes more than 20 minutes for some of our most highly paid officers to show up to a shooting scene with a victim 5 minutes away, and we basically stopped doing anything with domestic violence cases a long time ago,” said SPD Captain Chad Dickers. “But don’t worry—just like when five officers hauled ass so hard to a possible cocaine OD call one of them killed a pedestrian going 75 mph even though paramedics were already enroute—we find a way to show up for the important stuff that we’re definitely best suited and trained to handle. As notoriously fine gentlemen, we will always have the time to stop and frisk vulnerable women who may be victims of human trafficking so we can helpfully traumatize them even more with resources like interrogation, arrest, criminal charges, and jail time.”
Should the city be sued several times again because of the way SPD officers have repeatedly used and abused women on-the-clock, Councilmember Moore also assured the public that despite the city’s $260 million budget deficit, there’s definitely enough funding to bring back crackdowns on prostitution loitering.
“I promise Seattle we will always have enough resources to arrest and spend extra dough to have them thrown in a privately-run jail in Des Moines that’s twice as deadly as Rikers,” said Moore. “Unfortunately, the only thing the city won’t have resources for are any extra services that would actually help these women leave sex work or an abusive pimp altogether. Oh well! I’m a former judge, so I’m pretty sure the best answer to every problem is more police and incarceration. Now, pardon me, I need to get rid of a hang nail with a hammer.”
At press time, Councilmember Moore confirmed she was planning to call any public commenter criticizing her proposal a whore so they can be immediately dragged away in handcuffs.
