After a national outcry from thousands of employees wondering why Amazon won’t allow hybrid work schedules anymore for anyone outside the C-suite, today CEO Andy Jassy announced a compromise that will allow people to work from home two days a week on Saturdays and Sundays.
“Well, alright: If you really like working from home all that much, you can do it on Saturdays and Sundays—but only after you clock in 40 hours a week Monday through Friday at the office as a treat!” Jassy said in a Zoom call right before taking his next swing at a Florida golf course. “We still believe in a healthy work-life balance at Amazon, so go ahead and enjoy spending your entire weekend on-call and on-edge never ever really consciously off the clock in the sanctity of your own home instead of having to spend your weekends physically at the office too.”
Amazon workers across the country immediately celebrated the corporate giant’s generosity.
“I heard on the weekends they’re gonna even allow us to go to bathroom whenever we want,” said local software engineer Mike Ward. “Management also accepted our requests to not schedule meetings at 4 p.m. on Sundays so that everyone can end the weekend with enough time to focus on Sunday scaries about coming into the office the next day.”
At press time, thousands of other Amazon workers were still pretty sure this was just a very elaborate way to make Microsoft, Google and Meta’s job application portals crash and explode.
