This week thousands of local workers received a return-to-office five days a week notice via an e-mail from Amazon that was obviously just a layoff without severance or unemployment benefits.
“Look, as one of their employees, I know all too well Amazon’s a sick company that generally sees most humans as nothing but disposable tissue to burn through and quickly dispose of while making as much money as possible,” said local software engineer Rita Ganapathy. “But even I don’t they’re sadistic enough to actually want thousands of people to start commuting every weekday to spend 40 hours a week trapped in those horrible Downtown offices with our psychotic product micromanagers again. They obviously know everyone who’s getting this email is going to just quit, and then they don’t have to pay severance or unemployment benefits. Research shows remote workers are far more productive, healthy and happy, so obviously, even if we don’t quit, they’ll be baiting us into situations where we’re going to inevitably get PIPped and then fired, also without severance and unemployment.”
Amazon CEO Andy Jassy said those reports are false and his company is doing nothing of the sort, though.
“No no no, that’s not what’s happening at all! It’s just all those things our employees have been cultivating the last few years while doing remote or hybrid work and not spending an hour or two commuting every day – families, friendships, neighborhoods, and other communities that make you and everyone around you happier – we just want everyone who works for us to chuck that in the fucking trash—even if it means you’re less productive!” Jassy said. “Contrary to what most people believe, our company really isn’t all about being the most efficient money-making business it can be – it’s about being the most dehumanizing one.”
At press time, Jassy announced his recommitment to Amazon’s Climate Pledge by having someone plant three trees somewhere to offset Seattle having the worst traffic gridlock and overwhelmed public transit systems its ever had in 2025.
