After spending the first half of the year obliterating the public’s confidence in their ability to safely assemble planes and spaceships, today Boeing assured everyone that the Blue Angels they built are safe because they were made for the military, not you fucking people.
“Don’t worry: The Blue Angels aren’t some flimsy Alaska Airlines 737-MAX that can barely fly up and down the West Coast without its doors and wheels popping off that we made for you fucking fucks to travel in,” said Boeing CEO Dave Cahoun. “These are majestic, military-grade blue beasts fine-tuned by the best engineers we have for the only customer we really care about: the U.S. Department of Defense. So, rest assured this weekend at Seafair that you can sit back and safely watch the Blue Angels’ incredible aerial acrobatic feats like the Delta Roll, Diamond Dirty Loop , and Doors Still Attached.”
The announcement was welcome news to Seattleites watching the Blue Angels taking practice flights over the city Thursday in preparation for the Friday, Saturday and Sunday Seafair Airshows.
“Even though we lowly commercial consumers may never know what it’s like to fly in a reliably assembled aircraft, I think it’s so cool that our military and Boeing combine forces every year to generously show us the high quality of engineering craftsmanship we could be flying in if we mattered enough to them as humans,” said Seattle onlooker Neal Harrison. “But if another Boeing EA-18G Growler could show us how they can draw a penis in the sky again, that would definitely make me feel even better.”
At press time, Boeing said everyone in the U.S. was also safe from the military weapons it makes and sells to Israel because they’re made to be dropped on innocent civilians living on valuable land overseas, not you people—yet.
