Ever committed to their “Keep Portland Weird” vows, this week all of Portland, Oregon’s hipsters accepted the new reality of what it now means to be “weird” by becoming far-right Republicans.
“Keeping Portland Weird isn’t just a city slogan—it’s a sacred oath each one of us true Portlanders must uphold no matter the changing times and cultural definitions of weird,” said Paul Weebly, as he took out his man bun and donned a red MAGA cap. “Did I prefer the times when ‘weird’ meant being a liberal steampunk clown with a top-hat riding a big-wheeled velocipede down Burnside on a random Tuesday night? Sure, but times change and according to the Democratic party and pretty much everyone else, being weird now means you’re part of a far-right cult that craves an authoritarian dictatorship over democracy, and I must abide. Oh well—at least I get to keep this weird mustache that makes me look like a child molester.”
Despite the move meaning they now needed to support a drastic reduction in their own human rights and bodily autonomy, Portland’s once staunch feminist hipsters haven’t hesitated to make the political conversion either in order to keep the city “weird.”
“My transition from witchy herbalist selling crafts, essential oils and fresh eggs on the side to trad wife was actually surprisingly smooth,” said Rebecca Bard as she checked on her front-yard hens before frying up a Southern meal on the griddle for dinner. “Look at this calico prairie frock—I didn’t need to change my outfit at all. Now all I need to do is start a Pinterest.”
At press time, Portland’s now mostly conservative residents said hands-down the hardest thing they’ve had to do thus far is chase every good coffee bean roaster out of town, even Stumptown, leaving only Starbucks and Dutch Bros.
