Following a catastrophic performance against the Los Angeles Angels, the Seattle Mariners announced today that they plan to bow out of this season’s pennant race.
“Nothing can get in the way of saving the AL West from the Houston Astros, not even personal ambition—and that’s why I’m announcing today that the Mariners are dropping out of the divisional race,” said Mariners Manager Scott Servais. “It’s time for a younger generation to take the lead for the next chapter in Seattle baseball, and that’s why we’ve called up the entire Tacoma Rainiers roster to take our place. This sacred task of winning the west is not about what’s best for me, or even the Moose. It’s about doing what’s best for the city of Seattle, and that’s not subjecting you all to any more of this rapidly deteriorating offense.”
The bold move has reportedly energized the city, with many already forgetting how historically bad the offense has been.
“What the Mariners did today was selfless, and I’m ready to forgive and forget all the crimes against baseball I just witnessed over the past couple weeks,” said local radio host Brock Huard, tearing up during the radio broadcast. “The pitchers have accomplished so much, but with the loss of Julio and JP it became clear that the rapidly diminishing capabilities of this roster was not going to be able to finish the fight.”
The announcement reportedly came as a surprise to the Mariners starting rotation, who were under the impression that the offense quit months ago.
