Like salmon answering nature’s call to suddenly swim upstream to a new body of water, this weekend countless residents in their 40s were reminded by three back-to-back days of live Capitol Hill Block Party concerts happening right outside their windows that it’s time to move up to Ballard.
“Look, I love Chappell Roan, I just think Pink Pony Club is best enjoyed at a healthy, moderate volume while solving the NYT crossword in my breakfast nook, and most certainly not played blasting after my 8 p.m. bedtime,” said Capitol Hill resident Henry Miller, 41, as the beat dropped from Femininomenon shook a just-completed 1000-piece puzzle off his coffee table. “Ugh – I was gonna get that professionally framed! Okay, okay, I denied it last year but this year I get it – I need to move to Ballard, grow this beard out even more, and act like I suddenly get IPAs.”
UW anthropologist Jenine Waters said realizing it’s time to move to Ballard when the bass of several young musicians they don’t recognize nearly shatters their fragile, osteoarthritic bones is just part of the natural life cycle of any human who has ever lived on Capitol Hill.
“It’s amazing how it happens: One day they think they’re hip enough to still be living on Capitol Hill and then bam—all of a sudden the ideal day is a little walk to the Ballard Locks,” said Waters. “Those who listen to their bodies and accept it’s time to jump the Lake Washington Ship Canal, fertilize some eggs, make a farmer’s market the highlight of their week, and then die will be at harmony with nature. Those who don’t heed nature’s call that comes in the form of some chick named Remi Wolf are unfortunately doomed to forever complain about loud music, Cal Anderson Park and walking up the slightest elevation.”
At press time, Capitol Hill residents worried Ballard doesn’t have bath-houses immediately started packing after hearing there’s now a large portable sauna stationed at Golden Gardens that’s “for after cold plunges.”
