After several rumors circulated about what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was going to do with his spare time after dropping out last week, today a new report reveals he’s made the decision to revive his longtime feud with Washington native Sasquatch.
“I’ve hunted bears, whales, and even a drifter for a Libertarian Party fundraising event, but there’s one foe that’s eluded my head mounting wall for decades: Sasquatch,” said RFK Jr., attaching a bayonet to a rocket launcher. “The fake news will tell you that our feud started when Sasquatch beat me in a cocaine-fueled poker game hosted by the Jersey Devil back in the 80s, but in reality it was when he bested me in the greatest competition of all: Love. We battled fiercely for the affection of Nessie, but in the end, Sasquatch won her heart and ever since that day I’ve wanted to track him down and take my revenge.”
The elusive cryptid was reportedly surprised that RFK Jr. was still holding on to their old rivalry.
“I don’t know if it’s the brain worms talking, but that was 40 years ago and it’s time he let the past go—Nessie is engaged to a Welsh Duke that’s fifth in line for the throne, and I’m happily married to a hiker that got lost in the Enchantments in 2008,” said Sasquatch, setting up some trail cams outside his tree house. “I hadn’t heard a word from RFK in years, but ever since I endorsed Kamala Harris, he’s been calling me out on Twitter. Well, I’ve had enough, and now I’m calling you out, Junior: You and me at Mailbox Peak at dusk. That is, if you think you’re presidential enough to take me on mano a Squatcho”
Following a bizarre report that RFK Jr. cut the head off a dead whale, the local Orca Mafia reportedly planned on showing up to the Mailbox Peak showdown to “ask him a couple questions.”
