Despite momentarily fearing for her life, today Ballard resident Anna Santos said the eerie thing she saw slithering through her garden this morning was just spineless Seattle City Councilmember Dan Strauss.
“At first, I thought it was a snake, but then I remembered here in Seattle we have this breed of politician with no spine called Dan Strauss,” said Santos, still catching her breath from the initial fright. “Unlike a Tammy Morales who has the internal integrity to consistently coordinate and support real progressive policies for things like affordable housing and mental health program funding already promised to local students, the Dan Strauss just kinda weirdly flops around all over the place and you never know where he’s headed next: One day he’s speaking up against criminalizing sex workers, the next he’s voting to criminalize as many people struggling with homelessness, mental health issues and drug addiction as possible to have them thrown into a deadlier-than-Rikers privately-run jail in Des Moines. It’s just like, what even IS it, what is it even doing and why?”
Experts say the politically people-pleasing Dan Strauss can be poisonous depending on its environment.
“Put the Dan Strauss on a progressive City Council full of Tammys and Teresa Mosquedas, and he’ll be mostly harmless to a progressive city,” said UW biologist Stan Frank. “He can become venomous to his environment, though, if you put him in a snake pit with wannabe nightmare substitute teacher and addict-hating addict Sara Nelson, former judge Cathy Moore who still thinks she’s a judge, bike- and pedestrian-phobic Bob Kettle, King County GOP tag-teaming homeless shelter destroyer Tanya Woo, conservative yet progressive lingo co-opting King Rob Saka, minimum wage-minimizer Joy Hollingsworth, and only care about school safety and libraries while I’m running for office Maritza Rivera. In short, Strauss is basically a spineless, centrist chameleon who, at any cost, seamlessly adapts to whatever environment he’s in for political survival.”
At press time, Strauss was seen writhing on the ground still telling constituents that he regrets defunding the police even though he never did.
