After being spotted dripping everywhere and generally not looking well, today Alaska’s Mendenhall Glacier insisted it was only experiencing bad allergies and that it was definitely not slowly melting to death due to climate change.
“I am not some weak, artisanal, hipster ice cube—I’m an ancient, invincible glacier and I don’t need your help! The pollen count for Juneau is just really high right now,” gasped the glacier in between coughing fits as pink ice dripped from every crevasse. “Keep those idiots with temperature probes away from me—the only way anyone’s measuring my temperature, ice depth, or oxygen levels is over my dead icefield!”
Hikers in the area remained concerned about the glacier’s health, though, and began to wonder if they should be anywhere near it and instead get it some serious help.
“We tried to see if it needed some carbon credits or diversified energy sources, but the glacier just snapped at us,” said hiker Rebecca Shelton. “Whatever it is, it seems serious and I really hope we can stop it before it spreads and also makes other environments worldwide this wet, angry and unpredictable.”
At press time, the glacier was unable to offer further comment as it hacked up chunks of ice.
