An entire month before the first day of autumn, the Pacific Northwest’s most cinnamon-popping, gourd-decorating fall bitches are reportedly already smiling at the crisp, graying sky outside as they note every detail of summer’s slow, inevitable demise.
“Just look at all those lifeless leaves already falling to the ground,” said Sarah Hopkins of Green Lake as a wave of euphoria crested over her entire being. “Nothing quite fills me with joy like watching Mother Earth’s vitality wither away before my very eyes.”
Erica Packard of Issaquah, swathed in a crocheted scarf as she began her 16th annual Gilmore Girls binge, said she couldn’t agree more.
“You know that feeling you get when crisp air first signals we’re about to see a colorful show of shivering plants taking their last gasps of photosynthesis?” asked Packard. “It just makes me want to curl up with a cup of creamy chai and watch from my comfy living room couch.”
Woodinville resident Wendy Ralphs thinks everyone’s celebrating a bit early, though.
“I really hate it when people jump the gun on these seasonal things,” Ralphs said. “Personally, it’s just not officially fall until I hear my black Hunter boots crunching blood-red chlorophyll carcasses into dust everywhere I go.”
Not to be outdone by fall bitches who can barely wait for their season, winter bitches reportedly released a statement today calling upon all grocery stores to already set up all Christmas merchandise for sale by the end of September.
