Local band Presidents of the USA were reportedly relieved by last month’s SCOTUS presidential immunity decision after they accidentally ran over a drifter with their tour bus this morning.
“At first, we were like shit, this lump is gonna ruin the tour—then we remembered we’re the motherfucking Presidents of the United States of America and we can literally do whatever the fuck we want now,” said PUSA frontman Chris Ballew, running a red light while flicking a cigarette butt at a police station. “It’s a good thing to know on your way to Georgia where there’s millions of peaches, peaches for me to have my little way and eat peaches every day—and there’s not a goddamn thing any of you can do about it!”
Constitutional scholars were reportedly skeptical of the Supreme Court’s decision to grant blanket criminal immunity to the band when undertaking official musical acts.
“This constitutional interpretation is so broad that it just invites those in power to abuse their power, as you’re seeing now with the Presidents’ nationwide crime spree,” said constitutional lawyer Bri Trammell. “We’ve seen where this could lead before with qualified immunity and The Police after that time Sting legally robbed everyone at Climate Pledge Arena under a search and seizure operation during a concert. If this keeps applying to other bands, it just seems like a matter of time until The Postal Service is empowered to spy on the mail of US citizens under the Patriot Act.”
Following a different SCOTUS ruling on immigration law decided this morning, the band ‘Foreigner’ was reportedly immediately deported from the country.
