Tough on crime critics were reportedly disappointed today after a Seattle Public librarian quickly responded to an overdose, but failed to shoot the man or anyone else on the scene.
“When I saw a man overdosing in front of the Seattle Library I thought ‘Oh my God, someone’s got to come help shoot this man!’ Well imagine my disappointment when a librarian ran over and calmly administered Narcan, then waited with him until paramedics arrived,” said bystander Craig Wright, speaking to Needling reporters. “How am I supposed to feel safe if these lazy bookworms can’t be bothered to add ‘judge, jury, and executioner’ to their list of public services? No wonder the Mayor defunded the libraries.”
The Seattle Police Department labeled the librarian’s ‘soft’ response as ‘unacceptable’.
“I don’t know who trained these librarians in crisis response situations but to not even get as much as a few warning shots off into the torso of the prone man while he was violently shaking is simply not good enough,” said Seattle Police spokesperson Mel McConnell. “You have to shoot first, and ask questions like ‘are you still alive’ later. That man could have been playing possum, just waiting for the right opportunity to jump up and throw fentanyl at children, or worse—read to them in drag.”
At press time, the librarian was being criticized for helping a homeless man use the computer to access public services instead of installing spikes on the keyboard to ward him off.
