Seattle unexpectedly lost a landmark today after a perfectly angled sunbeam bounced off Seattle Central Library’s windows and accidentally turned into a Death Star laser that vaporized Smith Tower.
“It’s unclear if this was a freak accident or someone in Smith Tower had some extremely late library books, but the building has been Dewey-decimated by a solar death ray that originated at the Seattle Public Library,” said Greg Baldwin, a firefighter on the scene. “Usually the city’s consistent cloud cover prevents the sun’s powerful rays from hitting the windows but, with climate change heating up, this was just a matter of time. We should probably do something before the summer sun topples Rainier Tower for good.”
While the local library system has faced service cuts and threatening ransomware in recent months, librarians hinted that some changes might be coming now that the Seattle Public Library—Death Star Branch was fully operational.
“We have found the lack of faith in our public services most disturbing, but Smith Tower was an accident after one of our librarians went a little crazy with the Windex,” said local librarian Garth Vedder, taking a hit from his inhaler. “I mean, all it would take is one phone call and we can have window washers clean all the windows facing City Hall and light a fire under their butts, but we’d much prefer they come to the book side and read up on the vital role public services play in creating a more equitable city. Whichever way you want to play this, Bruce. Just remember—I am your librarian.”
After seeing the destructive power of the library’s death star laser, Seattle Police Department demanded to commandeer it so they could use it for homeless encampment sweeps.
