After much local controversy about which Seattle public schools the district will need to close for budgetary reasons, today the district announced it will be contracting that work out to the IDF, Israel’s military.
“We needed someone experienced in closing a lot of schools quickly, and no one has been more thoughtful, trustworthy and precise in their judgment about how to do that sort of thing this last year than the Israeli military in Gaza,” said SPS Superintendent Brent Jones. “And let me just be clear right now: No matter what they end up choosing to do, no antisemitic talk of how they literally killed all your innocent children while they were playing with their friends on campus will be tolerated. This is America: No one wants to hear about how snipers deliberately took them out execution style anyway, okay?”
The district was won over by the option when they heard the IDF was able to reduce the budgets of every single school in Gaza – from primary UN schools all the way up to every university—down to an impressive nearly zero dollars simply by damaging and decimating more than 90 percent of them.
“While we were initially considering closing just 20 elementary schools in Seattle, each closure would only save us $1.5 million,” Jones said. “The budget shortfall in coming years is expected to reach $153 million, so if we closed all 106 schools in Seattle, we could just manage to close that gap. Also, parents get upset when they think their school is being singled out for closure, so this was really the most equitable decision we could make.”
In an effort to keep as much of the work local as possible, the IDF said it’s excited to do its school closure work in partnership with Boeing.
