After spending the week denying allegations that he’s had extramarital sexual relations with a couch, today damning legal records confirm he’s not only copulated with home furniture but is currently being sued for failing to pay ottoman support.
“In addition to refusing to acknowledge he exists, Vance has not paid even a month of support for Little Otto,” said Cushy Couch, the small furniture’s mother and the GOP VP candidate’s former affair partner. “Maybe it’s time for a little less complaining about women without children and more time looking in the mirror at a guy who fucks couch cushions.”
Vance apparently didn’t even have the affair because he binged too much Big Mouth.
“He said he was having a lot of problems with his wife, so he just spent a lot of time on me and I guess we eventually got carried away,” Couch said. “And then I literally got carried away after his wife found out, leaving me kicked out on the street covered in Diet Mountain Dew and cum now with a little one at my side as if he not gonna do the same thing with the sextional couch they upgraded to. He needs to finally do the decent thing and give me enough support to be steam cleaned and find an apartment to move into on Craigslist.”
At press time, Couch was meeting up with Stormy Daniels and a beanbag for some reason.
