University of Washington researchers published a landmark study today confirming that the lukewarm, beige slurry that’s been sloshing around at the bottom of your kayak consists of 90% White Claw and pee.
“We’ve analyzed the mystery liquid content at the bottoms of kayaks returned to various rental locations along Lake Union, and we’ve come to the conclusion that you nasty bastards have really just been letting it rip in these kayak rentals,” said Quentin Armstead, researcher at the University of Washington. “Based off the number of crumpled White Claw cans rattling around behind the seat, we estimate that after five Claws, most of you stop coming ashore for a bathroom break or even just hopping in the water for a whiz, and will instead resort to a half-hearted attempt to pee in a can that will result in piss all over yourself and your kayak.”
While public health officials urged a stop to this behavior, many kayak and Claw enthusiasts argued their behavior was protected under the White Claw Legal Exemption Act of 2016.
“Ain’t no laws when you’re drinking Claws, brah,” slurred kayaker Kyle Bowman as he poured half a black cherry Claw on his chest. “Guess what?I’m peeing right now and no one can stop me. I slammed a rack of mango Claws at 11 a.m., I’m feeling mad hydrated, and I can pee all day. I’ll pee in your police car, I’ll pee in your jail, I’ll pee with a fox in a box. Ain’t nobody can tell Kyle Bowman where to go wee wee–ain’t nobody!”
While many watersport enthusiasts were reportedly disgusted by the findings, another sect of watersport enthusiasts were reportedly quite intrigued.
