As the 2024 Summer Olympics kicked off today with its opening ceremonies featuring exciting celebrities like Lady Gaga and Snoop Dogg alongside the world’s most talented athletes, millions of French people formally announced they were already bored.
“When I heard zere would be Paris Games I sought it was funny. Zen I sought it was sad. Now I am bored. C’est la vie,” sighed Jaques Seine as a single tear dropped from his rolling eyes into a tiny espresso cup. “An event from nearly two millennia ago—can you say passé? Les torches, les tracksuits—haven’t we seen it all? J’en ai ras de cul.”
As mass ennui swept the city, a panicked President Emmanuel Macron launched an immediate media blitz begging citizens to at least feign interest in the new summer Olympic sports added just to interest the French people.
“We’re confident our lightweight cigarette-lifting competition with French café regulars will be a hit as well as our bicycling with a cute baguette in a basket race,” said Macron. “We’re also doing a Fear Factor-type contest to see who can handle the smell of Paris streets in the middle of summer the longest. We’ve heard some Americans from Seattle are confident they’ll win but I don’t think they know who they’re dealing with here.”
At press time, the French people were heard saying literally the only thing that could reignite their interest is an Olympics performance announcing Celine Dion’s comeback tour.
