Citing its high overdose potential, today the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) officially added Molly Moon’s ice cream to its list of Schedule 1 substances.
“Molly Moon’s is widely available, economically priced, and appealing — especially to children,” said Special Agent Dale Browning as he emerged from its Wallingford location with a freshly confiscated dish of Melted Chocolate. “But it’s equally dangerous and habit-forming to people of all ages.”
Browning added that its dealers don’t even spare vegans.
“Oh yeah, they’ve got a nice Coconut Chunk flavor and chocolate hardshell ready to pull on them in their most vulnerable afternoon slumps,” Browning said. “Countless lives and families have been put on ice as people go to any lengths necessary to satisfy constant cravings for delectable combinations of locally sourced, wholesome and flavorful ingredients.”
Browning then declined further comment, urging his agents to hurry as they loaded several dozen tubs of Molly Moon’s Seasonal and Always flavors into their unmarked van as “evidence.”
At press time, the DEA agents were reportedly already also planning a weekend raid on Hellenika.
