After days of speculation about when it will be able to safely detach from the International Space Station and return to Earth, today Boeing clarified that the Starliner will be staying stuck in orbit forever to prove it can still make things that don’t fall out of the sky.
“If you thought you were going to watch yet another Boeing creation quickly descend out of the sky enveloped in flames anytime soon—gotchya!” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun of the company’s first successful crewed spacecraft mission. “It’s a new day at Boeing as we overhaul our reputation and earn back public trust, and that begins with avoiding the bad optics of yet another blazing craft of ours freefalling straight into the ocean.”
Asked if the astronauts on-board the Starliner would ever be able to safely return to Earth, Calhoun said that’s none of his concern.
“We thank them for getting the Starliner up there, but they’re gonna have to find their own ride home—NASA has an Uber app for space or something, right?” Calhoun said. “And if they can’t, don’t worry: Me and the rest of Boeing shareholders should be fine because we’re still well under our annual consequence-free death count allotment of 346 people that the FAA approved in 2019.”
The Starliner successfully made it into space last week despite many technical glitch delays over the last month that were finally resolved when someone removed from its engine an errant whistleblower.
