Although it had initially hoped to capitalize on the success of their new “Salmon Run” race with another sea-animal themed sprint, today the Seattle Mariners formally apologized for mistakenly thinking its Geoduck Run would be just as popular and family-friendly.
“We’re sorry this idea clearly flopped—and oh, God, how it flopped,” said Mariners event organizer Clark Fremantle. “We also thought it’d be fun to have local businesses name the geoducks but, in hindsight, it perhaps was not wise naming them Dick the Deluxe Duck, Oberto the Sausage King, Microsoftie the Mini Gooey, and Clammy the Costco Member.”
While the three Geoduck mascots’ heads flapped willy-nilly around the field, parents in attendance were not pleased with the suggestive display.
“I knew I needed to have ‘the talk’ with my kids eventually, but I didn’t think it’d be on a school night while three droopy sea wieners sprinted around the outfield,” said Martin Collins, shielding his kids’ eyes. “Did they have to squirt all over the crowd as they finished the race? And why was that one geoduck wearing a turtleneck? At least my kids weren’t born yet when the Sonics had their ‘Shave the Sasquatch’ night—I don’t think I’ll ever be able to unsee that.”
At press time, Needling reporters were able to confirm that the racing geoducks would be making their next appearance at the Fremont Summer Solstice naked bike ride.
