A new Discovery Channel poll today reveals a significant majority of likely American voters would prefer being devoured alive by sharks rather than live through the rest of the 2024 election season.
“Asked if they’d like to hear more about what either leading candidate could do for America, 73% of Americans across every demographic reported they’d rather have a nice day at the beach getting ripped limb from limb by a Great White,” said lead Discovery Channel pollster Charles Counts. “We also found that 63% had searched for how to get a place on the next OceanGate submarine.”
The number of Americans interested in any release no matter how violent from excruciatingly witnessing their country die in slow-motion over the next six months is expected to rise since the poll was taken before the last presidential debate and attempted assassination of Donald Trump.
“We fully expect almost everyone up and down the East and West Coasts to take up surfing this summer,” Counts said. “Unfortunately for them, most of them will likely survive because most sharks really aren’t that violent and have since been directed by an unexpected alliance with orcas to focus their feeding frenzies on the Fortune 500. If they were really paying attention to any of our specials they’d just take a drive in the country and let a dumb deer in the road make them swerve to their death.”
In related news, Expedia announced that they will be adding surge pricing for exit row seating on Boeing jets after a sudden and dramatic surge in consumer interest.
