After months of terrorizing and waking up Downtown Seattle with his insanely loud tiger-striped Dodge Charger that barrels down streets at more than 100 mph, today the Seattle Police Department said they were finally impressed enough with the Belltown Hellcat’s reckless driving to hire him.
“For months, Belltown Hellcat Miles Hudson has flagrantly flouted city laws and common decency to more than 756,000 Instagram followers no matter the $1,300-a-day fines levied against him. He clearly has zero fear of any real accountability ever holding him back from putting people in extreme stress and danger every day—in other words, a perfect fit for our department,” said Seattle Police Officers Guild President, Mike Solan. “We’re confident that someday he’ll be as prized as SPD Officer Kevin Dave, who we hired even after we fully knew he’d been fired by the Tucson Police Department and had his drivers license revoked by the State of Arizona. Hopefully he doesn’t also kill a college student in a crosswalk while going 75 in a 25 to a non-urgent call without lights or sirens on at night—but if he does? Water and $11,000 of taxpayer money under the bridge. The most important thing is that we get more officers on this force immediately so everyone in this city can feel safer.”
The hire also handles the question of whether the Belltown Hellcat will ever have to really pay the more than $83,620 in fines he’s amassed so far.
“When you’re a cop, you have a legal right to not really follow any rules, including paying fines,” Solan said. “For example, despite a 23% retroactive raise plus three years of backpay, Officer Dave still hasn’t paid the $5,000 fine the city slapped him on the wrist with after killing Jaahnavi Kandula. Can you blame him though when we didn’t even get our desired goal of 100% raises in our latest contract with the city? This city just doesn’t respect us enough for some reason.”
After a background check confirmed someone is also seeking a protective order against the Belltown Hellcat for allegedly stalking her and harassing her with dissemination of revenge porn, Solan said he has no doubt the speed demon-influencer is misogynistic and dismissive of domestic violence enough to thrive at SPD for many years to come.
