This week Costco left other companies celebrating Pride Month-themed products in the dust with the launch of its new wholesale line of cheeseball tub-sized Kirkland Signature-branded poppers.
“Here at Costco, we do more than pay half-assed lip service to the LGBTQ community—we pay whole-ass bussy-service,” said Costco CEO Ron Vachris. “That’s why for this Pride Month we’re giving the community what it really wants: Costco-sized Kirkland Signature Poppers. Pop one of these tubs and you’ll be loose and ready for the entire month!”
While the queer community immediately raided Costcos across the country after the announcement, curious straight Costco customers were left wanting a little more information on what poppers even are.
“Not to be confused with the 100-pound boxes of jalapenos poppers we sell on the freezer aisle, Costco’s new Kirkland Signature tubs of poppers give people a little burst of energy and euphoria while relaxing the muscles—if you know what I mean,” Vachris said, without knowing what he meant as he read off a press release. “Our in-house product development team saw a hole in the market and decided to relax it to the point that it was wide open enough for us to get into. We’ll always be here to put the hole in wholesale.”
As supplies quickly sold out nationwide, Costco reminded happy customers to never make the deadly mistake of combining poppers with the pharmacy’s Magnum XL-sized Viagra pills.
