Today a voter who’s been swearing up and down for months that they’d vote for any Democrat over Trump—even a literal corpse of one—admitted they’re actually more excited about voting for a corpse than any viable Democratic candidate or the survival of American democracy itself.
“A lot of you have been saying, hey if you’re a vote-blue-no-matter-who person, why not push to vote for any other Democrat who can finish a whole coherent thought or sentence on primetime television to run for president instead?” said local die-hard Biden supporter Hank Smithers. “Why not Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, or Jay Inslee? Well, you’ve got me in a tight enough corner today that I have to finally admit that what I’ve actually been all along is a necrophiliac who’s just kinda excited to vote for a corpse! More of a literal vote-blue-no-matter-who fan, if you will.”
That’s why, Smithers said, there’s many like him who are actually even more excited about Biden’s candidacy after the debate.
“Did you see him staring into the light and/or abyss right there on live TV instead of taking on the Trump-dunking opportunities CNN handed him on a silver platter? Hawt!” Smithers said as he polished his Biden campaign button. “He was so clearly on the edge of death right there before us he gave me a little rigor mortis myself.”
Smithers admitted he thinks it’s just an extra bonus if voting for a corpse no matter what turns American democracy into a lifeless corpse as well.
“No better time to love America than when it’s dead.”
