Fed up with the stereotyping perpetuated by popular entertainment like Shark Week, today a coalition of sharks demanded being given more romantic lead roles.
“All the good roles go to the dolphins, orcas and other whales, but let me tell you something about whales: They’re killers, too! Hollywood understands that they’re multifaceted—what about us?” said President of Sharks Love Actually Too, Scarlett O’Sean. “And don’t even get us started on Bambi: Sharks are responsible for about 10 deaths a year while deers kill about 200. All these movies about how scary sharks—Jaws, The Meg, Deep Blue Sea—should be about deers when they go out for their ‘little frolics’ on dimly lit roads. Sharknado alone set us back at least 50 years.”
Sharks deserve to finally be seen in a positive light that includes but is not limited to romantic lead roles, according to O’Sean.
“We do a lot more than eat violently, you know, which we at least do so while engorging on local, sustainably wild-caught and organic fare instead of the disgusting Subway foot-longs these casting directors swallow down like overconfident Seagulls,” O’Sean said, while filing her teeth. “In addition to our own fascinating mating culture of claspers and cloacas, we are just as capable of acting in rom-coms because the unrealistic plotlines are obviously just as ridiculously unplausible and unlived to any other living being as they are to us.”
At press time, a film-adaptation of Jane Austen’s Lady Susan was already being rumored as greenlit with a working title of Lady Shark Do-Do-Dee-Dee-Doo-Doo.
