This morning Washington State Governor Jay Inslee was reportedly shocked when he stopped staring at the summer weather outside long enough to discover he’d actually racked up so much PTO over his three 4-year terms that he could stop being governor right now.
“I saved up six months PTO?! Damn, you know what? I’m out of here,” said Inslee as he loosened his tie and donned some sunglasses. “I mean, Bob’s got it from here, right? He’s already in Olympia as AG and he’s got this gubernatorial election this fall pretty much in the bag unless one of those 5 other Bob Fergusons on the ballot manages to steal it from him—and honestly, either way, I’m done. I’m history! No, I’m mythology! No, I don’t care what I am—I’m free!”
When reached for comment later in the day from an Ocean Shores vacation home he was already at, Inslee didn’t seem too concerned about tapping out of office half a year early.
“I’m no lame duck—I’m a geoduck who’s spending the rest of this year at the beach,” Inslee said in between sips of a Mai Tai through a reusable straw. “You guys’ll be fine. I did my part. I got this state through a pandemic under a presidential administration that didn’t care if any of us lived or died. I championed a capital gains tax, an assault weapons ban, and pursued ambitious efforts to fight climate change like ordering Santa to stop using coal. I’m not being lazy—I earned this PTO.”
Asked if he was sure he didn’t want to have some fun banning face masks like New York Governor Kathy Hochul before he left office, Inslee said he would decline because he weirdly prefers not being a giant asshole.
