Following the announcement that Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 counts in the former President’s hush-money case, conservative stronghold Centralia reportedly spontaneously combusted.
“Suddenly the TVs tuned to Fox News let out this ear-splitting shriek, the residents all turned beet red and started smoking from their ears and in the blink of an eye the entire town erupted in a blaze of F-150s and ‘Dave Reichert for Governor’ lawn signs,” said eyewitness Brad Philips, rubbing his singed eyebrows. “I saw a guy scream ‘MAGA!’ at the top of his lungs, catch on fire, and then calmly walk into a gun store—look there he is, now he’s just mowing his lawn while on fire.”
Located in Lewis County, a deep red territory in a traditionally blue state, scientists said that Centralia was a ticking time bomb waiting for the right political ignition to spontaneously combust.
“Spontaneous combustion, while rare, has been reported in humans under extreme stress, like natural disasters or watching your fascist wannabe God-Emperor face jail time because he paid a porn star hush money,” said local scientist Kim Murphy. “The meltdown was not just confined to Centralia, it’s happening all over Lewis County too. We think the I-5 Uncle Sam sign in Chehalis had an aneurysm, Sam blew a blood vessel in his eye and the sign just reads ‘FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuughgh’ and then it just kinda trails off.”
Meanwhile in Auburn, Republican Gubernatorial hopeful Dave Reichert was so bummed out about the news that he could only half-heartedly brandish a gun at Needling reporters.
