Today heart researchers at the University of Washington announced that the chances of experiencing a heart attack are highest among people about to be passed on a sidewalk by an e-scooter.
“After compiling data from entire minutes of walking outside on a sunny day in Seattle, we’ve found that other known causes of heart problems like high cholesterol diets, lack of exercise and chronic stress don’t hold a candle to a motorized scooter whizzing past a person when they least expect it,” said Dr. Carrie Brown as she pointed to a chart. “As you can see here, the numbers of heart attack patients at Harborview skyrocket on every sunny day in Seattle and there obviously could be no other reason for this correlation other than how literally heart-stoppingly beautiful it is sometimes when the mountain is out.”
Researchers and doctors agree the obvious solution to decreasing the now leading known cause of heart attacks is to just stay inside.
“We know how tempting it can be to go outside to exercise and destress on a gorgeous day, but the key is moderation or, better yet, just not doing it at all,” Dr. Brown said. “We know this advice is contradictory to decades of medical guidance that the best way to prevent a heart attack is a healthy diet and exercise, but the benefits of all those are lost if you ever step outside your home and walk on a any high-traffic sidewalk in a city. If you really need to on a regular basis, though, please see a doctor so they can prescribe you some beta-male blockers.”
The researchers said that while they’re still compiling data on other heart attack causes, preliminary data shows people may be just as at-risk if not more so if they’re about to be passed on a sidewalk by a one-wheel.
