One man was left mortified today after his dog slut-shamed his local mail carrier while he was delivering the mail in those hot little short-shorts.
“The mailman was strutting down my driveway wearing those cute little hoochie-daddy shorts, when all of a sudden my dog Cliff ran out and bit him on the ass—I’m so embarrassed, I didn’t know my dog was such a prudish little bitch,” said Jordan Cartwright, putting Cliff in his crate. “Some Mormons came by last week and he didn’t even bark, but a delivery guy shows a little skin and suddenly he turns into Ruff Limbaugh.”
Despite the incident, the mail carrier was determined to keep wearing his cute little shorts on his route.
“I’ve been delivering the mail for 23 years and every once in a while you get a conservative dog that tries to police how much thigh you’re showing when you walk up the driveway. If I didn’t know better I’d swear he was barking ‘MAGA! MAGA!’” said USPS mail carrier Jim McDonald, sewing a patch onto his shorts. “Well, I’m not gonna stop wearing them—my wife loves them, I love them, and they should call us the USP-ASS cause we look damn good postal serving in these shorts. Besides, that dog has a lot of nerve worrying about what I’m wearing when he’s wearing nothing but a little Tucker Carlson bowtie collar.”
At press time, Cliff was being invited to Fox & Friends to complain about how he was being canceled for being brave enough to hold his traditional family values.
