Beloved and intelligent Seattle Police Department K-9 Buster was reportedly forced into early retirement today after using his dog talk buttons to question SPD policies.
“The dog buttons were cute there for a moment when he was just asking for more food or coke, but then he started asking ‘why always leave women out conversation, why not good boi like me?’ we knew he needed to go,” said SPD Chief Adrian Diaz. “The other day when I was telling reporters on the phone that I’m unaware of any of the alleged sexism or sexual harassment in the department we’re getting sued for, Buster even pressed ‘I smell bullshit.’”
Buster’s early retirement after only two years on the force comes after SPD’s new contract was approved by the city council without a single public hearing, despite wide public demand for one.
“It’s too bad we didn’t have most of the Seattle City Councilmembers better train Buster to shut up and just do what we say without question, now those animals are bitches who know how to follow some orders,” Diaz said. “We’ll tolerate a lot at this department—sexual harassment, proud racism and even Officer Kevin Dave—a guy who moved to Washington after Arizona revoked his driver’s license and a department there fired him, and then inevitably killed a pedestrian here in Seattle while hauling ass at 75 mph in 25 mph zone. But a dog that even questions anything we do with so much as a ‘why?’ Now that’s crossing the line.”
At press time, SPD was already lobbying the city council for even more money to recruit replacement K-9s who are sufficiently dumb and bloodthirsty enough to stay on the force long-term.
