Today King County Public Health formally apologized for the acid-contaminated water supply that caused widespread hallucinations over the last two weeks of an omnipresent zebra deity, and skies that were either a perfect cloudless blue or a psychedelic kaleidoscope of every visible color in the electromagnetic spectrum.
“Once again, we don’t know how the entire region’s water supply got dosed, but we hope everyone at least enjoyed spending the first half of the month basically living in a Lisa Frank illustration,” said King County Public Health Director Faisal Khan, dressed in head-to-toe tie-dye. “I personally quite enjoyed feeling like an ever-present Zebra She-God was always with me whether I was at the top of the Space Needle, on the ferry, or at the Pike Place Fish Market on a perfect bluebird day. I didn’t mind the completely crazy illusion that the Northern Lights could come this far south looking like an actual rainbow-colored jellyfish spreading out over our heads either. But I’m happy to report it’s all over now because I know that stuff isn’t everyone’s cup of Ayahuasca tea.”
The news came as a relief to local dorks who go to bed before 9 on Friday nights.
“Oh my gosh, I almost thought I’d missed a probably once-in-a-life natural phenomenon literally happening right over my head the way people kept talking about the Aurora Borealis making it all the way down to Seattle Friday night,” said Seattle resident Mike Wilson. “It’s good to know that a free light show in the sky so beautiful it could make you cry didn’t really happen and I didn’t really miss anything.”
At press time, there were reports that traces of hallucinogens may still be present in the local water supply after several people reported seeing news today that Mayor Bruce Harrell somehow won a “Best Elected Official” award from the MLK Labor Council.
