After a group of West Seattleites recently won their months-long battle to keep Seattle Parks from constructing new pickleball courts in Lincoln Park because of the negative impact the noisy sport could have on wildlife, today a coalition of crestfallen birds and squirrels announced they were actually really looking forward to the new courts.
“Gotta love the fauxgressive environmentalist virtue-signaling here when you didn’t even ask if I’d already signed up my eaglets for pickleball camp there this summer. Our blue heron neighbors had signed up their chicks too,” said bald eagle Ben Picklin, paddles in talon. “I just wish all these heroes actually asked the birds they’re supposedly saving what we thought first before acting like our lord and savior here. We’re no chicken wings — I’m a banger myself with a pretty mean body shot and Nasty Nelson. Pfft, ‘America’s a democracy’—my feathery ass it is!”
Squirrels and even a few otters were none too pleased as well.
“Are you nuts? You know how cute my fluffy ass would have looked out here becoming the next viral air squirrel sensation? This was my literal shot at the big time!” said squirrel Sunny Daze, while a nearby otter bobbled a pickleball in its short arms. “This has got me all wound up—pardon me, I’m gonna go ask if the troll will let me get high with her again today.”
At press time, Seattle Parks assured the wildlife that they would at least still get to swim at Colman Pool every day after it closes to all the children screaming their heads off in it all day long.
