In a turn of events that surprised no one except himself, local son William Briggs was politely asked by his parents during their annual long Memorial Day Weekend family vacation today if he—as the only one who’s still single amongst his siblings—was comfortable sleeping in the kitchen pantry, or maybe under the deck or nearby trainyard.
“It’s actually pretty great—you can just grab a snack anytime you want!” said Debra Briggs, William’s mother, with the panache of a used car salesman peddling a ‘93 Honda Odyssey on cinder blocks as she gestured to a wall lined with ingredients for nothing. “Nice and cozy like Harry Potter’s room! And at least you aren’t in the vestibule like last year, so your dad won’t step on your head when he gets up at 4 a.m. to catch an afternoon game of Romanian handball and make a delicious breakfast consisting entirely of loud noises. Trust me, honey, we are in no way saying we value you any less because of your lack of initiative in furthering our bloodline.”
When William attempted to grab a cot to sleep on, his father took a more hardline-view, however.
“Put that cot down! Cots are for couples. Everyone knows first sibling to get married gets a queen bed. Second sibling to get wed gets two cots we’ve duct taped together like a weird European hotel,” said William’s father. “Anyone who gets married after that gets diddly squat unless you Uno-reverse that shit by giving us grandkids first, which you won’t. Enjoy the damn pantry, kid.”
At press time, William had settled into his pantry palace better than he thought he would after realizing he was at least safe from the living room, where he would likely be treated to a cacophony of coitus coming from four different family members poking their significant others.
