There’s a lot of ways to get rid of toxic relationships according to your therapist, but none of them are quite as fun as just becoming May Queen at a Scandinavian seasonal event like Ballard’s 17th of May Norwegian Independence Day celebration, aka Syttende Mai.
So, round up the most problematic people in your life and head over to NW Market Street stat to celebrate your own independence day from them with these 5 hot tips for becoming May Queen we gathered from watching Midsommar, our one and only probably still reliable source for how all Scandinavian cultures basically work:
- The hardest part is getting there: Sure, it feels like an entire continent away once you finally catch the 40 and arrive at your stop. But once you’re there, trust that everyone already knows you’re the main character here and that the path to becoming a May Queen freed from all bad relationships is about to inevitably unfold before you. Bonus points if your whole family died before you got there!
- Let your smart, toxic friend be too smart for their own good: Have a friend telling you basing all your knowledge of Scandinavian culture on one movie is really stupid because they think they’re better than you? Let them got lost at the Nordic Museum where even they will most certainly die of boredom.
- Don’t stop your boyfriend’s friend who pre-gamed in the Ballard Brewery District too hard from peeing on that sacred wooden troll outside the Nordic Museum. That troll is Danish and already on-edge about being from the country Norway is celebrating independence from today—not to mention he was given a dumb name like Frankie Feetsplinters because we guess this troll just permanently has painful splinters in his feet? Man, that sucks. He’s definitely gonna stomp the shit out of that guy and you’ll never see him again.
- See a hot chick eyeing a boyfriend you no longer trust? Perfect: Ask her to drop her pubes in his pre-parade drink at Skål. She and her friends will take care of the rest.
- Man or Bear? Can we be honest? Neither! Enjoy the height of your coronation as May Queen by watching both burn together in a giant bonfire! Don’t feel bad or afraid to smile as you watch—they were obviously the toxic ones, not you.
You have purged all your toxic relationships the same way Norway forever banished Danish rule 210 years ago today. All hail, you, the mighty May Queen, who is finally ready to be properly worshipped and taken care of by everyone the way she always should have been!
