As a special Bike-to-Work Day treat, this morning one local boss treated his entire Fremont office to a festive view of his junk jangling in a pair of bike shorts.
“Take it from a Climate Pledge Arena season-ticket holder: This is what protecting the environment really looks like, folks,” said boss Hal Erickson as he strutted down a row of cubicles swinging and jingalinging his dingaling around employees who he’d fire if they were even a minute late to work. “It’s true that I could have headed straight to the showers and got dressed so you’d never know how I got here today, but I don’t want you to have an unrealistic view of what goes into rescuing Mother Earth. It takes a lot of sweat equity, which I’m sure you’ll never forget now that you’ve at least gotten a whiff of these shorts even if you’ve been averting your eyes since I walked in for some reason.”
Erickson went on as he lifted and stretched a bent leg on a file-cabinet, nearly tea-bagging an employee swiveling around their chair with his damp wrinkle-berries.
“You guys have always known I have balls, but now that I’ve risked my life biking straight here from my Lake Washington-front home on the Burke-Gilman trail without having to risk riding on a single street–or, God forbid, Ballard’s Missing Link’–now you really know. Also, because I gotta let these boys hang loose and free after suffocating them for so long on that bike seat,” Erickson said. “I hope this has inspired you all to be a little bit more like me so you too will bike to work a handful of times a year and then not only never shut up about it, but give people an image of you doing it that will be involuntarily seared in their memory forever.”
At press time, several employees of Erickson’s said the main thing holding them back from biking to work is fear of someday ever looking or acting like Erickson.
